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Mafia Gazette Issue 1-2002
Monday, Oct. 2, 2002 Publisher: Tallulah 'WEDDING BELLS FOR THE CORLEONES' By: Tallulah At just after 6pm last night Mr Nick_Corleone publicly proposed to his sweetheart. The street was full of people eager to hear what his sweetheart, Miss Carmen_Corleone (no relation) would reply. The blushing bride-to-be kept everyone in suspense for over an hour and a half, until she finally accepted the proposal. Wellwishers have been adding their congratulations to those of family and friends, and the happy couple have extended an open invitation to all who know them to join them for the wedding. The details of exactly where the wedding will take place remains a secret, although some sources claim that it will be held in the Chapple of St Elvis in Las Vegas. It is known however, that the wedding will be taking place at 7pm (Mafia time) on the 13th of October this year. As yet we have no details of the brides attendants, or any idea of what the bride will be wearing. As soon as any of this is known, we will keep you, our readers, informed. Mr Santino_ is attending as best man, and Mr CodeRed and Mr Leon_The_Pest_Pesci will also be in attendance as bodyguards/ushers. We at the Gazzette extend our warmest congratulations to the happy couple, and would like to wish them all the best for the future. 'PRESIDENTIAL BANK CLOSES IT'S DOORS' By: Tallulah Today investors were given 48 hours notice by the President that they had to withdraw their cash from the Presidential Vaults. The President himself came to the front steps of his mansion to make this statememnt to the public. Mr Miguel said that he regretted the move, but to continue would mean an inability to carry out some of his duties and promises as our President. Shortly after this statement was made to the public, and relayed on the Television news, many airports became jammed as people fought to get tickets for flights to Las Vegas. The police are asking people to stay calm as there are still 42 hours until the deadline, at time of publishing. Las Vegas hotels and casinos are already prepared for the influx of trade as people come to claim their savings. 'GREAT MAN RETIRES' By: Tallulah It was a sad day for many when Mr SSDeManusR announced that he would be retiring. He made a very touching speech about pride, self respect and his respect for all life. It is rumoured that he and his close family have been living a secluded life for the past month while he has been considering this move. Many people were present at the airport when he went to catch his flight to South America, where he has a second home. There were a few notable faces in the departure lounge saying a fond farewell to their good friend. Included in the throng was the well known face of Ms. Maverick who was seen to wipe a tear from her eye as the great man left. We at the paper hope that Mr SSDeManusR has a long and happy retirement. You will be missed from society. 'ANNOUNCEMENTS ' WEDDING ' Mr Nick_Corleone and Miss Carmen_Corleone would like to extend an invitation to all of Mafia.org to attend their wedding. The wedding will be held on Sunday the 13th October 2002 in the New York chatroom. 'SITUATIONS VACANT We are currently looking to recruit another journalist to the paper. Please send your applications to Tallulah giving your experience and a short paragraph about why you would be good for the job. Applications close 17:00 Mafia time on the 10th Oct 'TIME-OUT FOR THE COUNT' By: Tallulah In the early hours of this morning Count_Dracula's mangled corpse was found in an alleyway in Los Angeles, lying in a pool of someone elses blood. The Count was taken to the county morgue, where the local Medical Examiner, Dr. Crippin examined the body. Our reporter on the scene said that Dr. Crippin worked tirelessly for an hour or so, and by 4am this morning, the Count was discharged from his care. The police are appealing for witnesses, particularly the killer, to come forwards, as the Count has admitted to having no ill feelings towards his assailant. The killer is also urged to seek immediate medical treatment, as it is rumoured that the Count has a rare blood disease that could cause lengthening of the canine teeth and an aversion to sunlight in infected people. The Count is currently resting in his own private coffin, and has refused to comment'.' 'BURGER MIXUP NEARLY CAUSES MIGDONALDS CLOSURE' By: Tallulah Following an earlier claim by a patron that a MigDonalds burger caused their death, the Enviromental Health Agency were on the point of closing the highly succesful food chain. The restaurants run by the President of the World, Mr Miguel, were accused of not using 100% Moose meat as they claimed. The reputation of the President was, however, saved by Dr Crippin, who, on examining the evidence, stated that the cause of death had been from the victim eating an inferior McDonalds burger. Further tests confirmed that MigDonalds only sell 100% Moose meat burgers as they advertise. Mr. Miguel was not available for comment, but a close friend is quoted as saying that the President is relieved that the charges have been dropped, but had no real worries as the charges were obviously false. Dr. Crippin has also said "Let this be a warning to people. You shouldn't eat inferior food". He then left for the Presidents private residence where a party was being thrown to celibrate, where several notable people were also present, including the complete callendar lineup of Playboy bunnies. AWARDS FOR MAFIA'S FINEST By: Tallulah Today it was announced that the first ever Mafia awards would be presented on the 12th of this month. The venue is yet to be disclosed, but rumour has it that the Presidential residence may be where it all takes place. The organiser, Mr. Dollar has posted up a list of the nominees for each of the three awards : best player, most respected player and a lifetime achievement award. It is expected that Mr RumbleFish, who has been nominated in all three categories, will win at least one of them. We are not certain who will accept the awards for Mr RumbleFish, after his unexpected suicide earlier this month. Anyone wishing to vote for any of the nominees should send their entry to Mr Dollar, on the address advertised in his poster. We at the paper will be at the awards ceremony and will bring you all the news from this prestigious event. 'JAIL-GUARD SEXUAL ASSAULT ON INMATE' By: Nostradamus Sinchy during his last stay in prison, was raped by a guard, known as Bubba. Sincy did not know who it was or why it happened, and publicly questioned the event. Much to his embarassment, he learned he was raped by Bubba. Bubba apparently never leaves duty and was unavailable for comment. Witnesses atest that he has a fetish for criminals of either gender that wear a hat and trench-coat, although not all are assaulted. 'CITY BANK ROBBED' By: Tallulah A Los Angeles man was today in shock after finding that his life savings had been stolen. Mr Dollar is currently being treated in the local hospital after entering the New Orleans City Bank to find that raiders had just made off with his hard-earned cash. Mr Dollar collapsed in the sreet with a suspected coronary and was rushed to Mardi-Gras Hospital. Our reporter on the scene says that Mr Dollar is now in a stable condition and is quoted as saying "(expletive deleted)MY MONEY IS GONE". Police at this time have no leads as to who has commited this crime, but will be examining CCTV footage from the bank's security system. 'JOHNNYTWOTIMES DEAD' By: ScarfaceSoprano JohnnyTwoTimes was found DEAD in his crappy gangster house!!! The police have been gathering evidence to find the facts of murder. The story is finally out!! It turns out Johnny made an enemy who sent his thugs to take him out. Johnny was said to have put up a fight considering they founf 30 mexicans covered in blood. Johnny was shot 10 times by the numerous AK47's the mexicans had. It was said he lived after the shots and took his own life with his M-16 which explains his brains all over the room. His murderer has yet to been cought. Any leads please report them accordingly. 'FRAUDSTER WARNING' In related news, police are asking people to be on the lookout for a Mr CCLW who seems to have fled the country following an investigation into his finances. It seems that this esteemed member of our society has been defrauding people of their hard-earned cash, using a poor gangster by the name of Mr Livius. Mr. Livius was taken in for questioning yesterday, just after the police failed to stop Mr CCLW from leaving the country. The poor Gangster was unaware that he had been left as the fall-guy, while his erstwhile partner fled with all the money. It seems that Mr CCLW was blackmailing the Gangster into helping with his nefarious schemes, and the police have let him off with a caution. Anyone with any knowledge of Mr CCLW's whereabouts or movements should contact the police immediately. 'NEAR RIOT IN JAIL' By: Tallulah Prison guards today had a near riot on their hands as prisoners demanded more liberties. The demands included being able to talk to their fellow prisoners and better overall communication. Another request for longer sentences was quickly quashed by the surrounding mob. One of the prison guards, Mr. Bubba spoke to our reporter at the scene today. He said that he agreed that the sentences were too light and should be made longer, and that the prisoners already had quite enough freedom. The posting of notes on the notice board was allowed, although some of the prisoners tended to suppliment their food rations by eating these notes. He also said that the prisoners were allowed their conjugal rights, all they had to do was give him a shout, and he saw to it that their conjugal needs were satisfied. The prisoners seem to have calmed down again, after the earlier trouble, and the prison authorities are said to be looking into the complaints. Browse • • • • • • • |}